Moments Before Twilight

Im not much of a writer and so it is far too easy for me to simply blurb out the details of how a race played out, but that is neither useful or interesting to read. I really want to use this blog for more than just my take on a bike races highlights. I am an independent from the races that I participate, and so here is another attempt to open up and enlighten you to the types of things that go through my mind in the hours leading up to the biggest race of my season.

Its 3:30pm, its thundering and lightening outside and I’m just beginning to warm up from my morning ride. The last few days have really tested my faith in the existence of cycling gods, because everyone knows that no god would ever put his children through the agony of racing twilight in the rain. The weather forecasts were as vague as always, and our fate was not sealed until we woke up this morning to sound of rain slamming the wooden deck just outside my basement bedroom.

I have dreamed about winning this race every day since the first time I stepped foot onto the Athens streets wearing a cycling kit a year ago today. The energy of the “40k” spectators is enough to bring a greater sense of purpose to my job. For one night a year we are important and we are treated like celebrities. I cannot come close to describing the feeling that Athens Twilight brings me, other than to say that this one race justifies all the ill treatment that I face by motorists all year round.

From the day that I was offered a contract for 2010, management has said that the door is open for you to show us what you have got, to show us just how fast you really are. If I have the legs this year than I will not be overshadowed by the incredible successes of my former teammates. This bold statement was seemingly inconsequential when it was first said, but as the minutes tick down those words are leaving a cotton ball feeling in the back of my throat. I think I swallowed my tongue.

I do not question my ability to compete with the top sprinters on every domestic pro team. I certainly do not have the long list of victories on my resume that many of these guys have, but that doesn’t mean shit when your neck and neck with 200 meters to go. What I find myself questioning is my confidence that I have the experience that is needed to make the right decisions, day in and day out over the next 10 days, to assure that I come out of the last corner in a position to sprint.

The rain and the horrible nightmare of “could be” crashes, on top of the immense pressure that I feel to solidify my competence as a sprinter has resulted in my present behavior. I should be sleeping, but every time I close my eyes all I do is think about the bike race. What will I do if there is a break and I am not in it? What will I do if I get in a break? What if I crash? The “could be” possibilities are fucking endless and I will not be content until I know exactly what I am going to do in every single situation. It is a terrible burden that I have placed upon myself to expect such success, but it is a challenge that I am eager to take. Sitting back and being complacent will not yield the outcome that I am so desperate to achieve. I don’t live my life like that and so there is not excuse to race by bike like that.

What separates good cyclists from winners is their ability to adapt to adversity. I still may be pissing nails right now, but Ill tell you what, Im adapting the shit out of this adversity.